The five stages of Grief – spoiler alert they are not about grieving a person!
Okay so you may have heard, or been told, that there are 5 stages of Grief and all people grieving must pass through these magical stages of grief, to achieve the final goal of successfully completing the act of Grieving. At which point you are “cured” of the Grief stuff and can now return to your normal life, with a glowing star floating around your head with the satisfaction of a job well done. It was hard but you did it - yay for you! For those of you who have never heard of these, please don’t get excited, there is no such path.
To explain further let's explore what is meant by the five stages of Grief, where this idea came from, and then a bit about the reality of grief.
Are you sitting comfortably? Let’s begin….
Theory time – firstly what are the five stages? - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. These were first written about by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in a 1969 book On Death and Dying, and are actually about the five stages a person goes through when receiving a terminal illness – so for a plot twist, they are not about the grief of a loved one.
Over time these stages have become an easy way for people to explain grief, and are the path us grievers are expected to follow. Grievers are graded by their friends, family and society in general on how well they are passing through these stages.
Reality check – Grief is unique. Just as every person is unique, so is their Grief journey. Grief is a messy mix of all kinds of emotions (sometimes opposing emotions at the same time), and they can change from instant to instant.
There is no one path – there is no end location where you have successfully passed the life test of Grief. Grief is not a linear path you can follow with a predestined time frame. Grief just is.
There are a few different images of Grief that people have come up with that I think explain it a little clearer, and show how all over the place and messy grief is. In future blog posts I will look at some of the other models of grief and how they relate to my own journey.
This is just a short introduction to the idea of stages of Grief. If you want to explore this idea further here are some extra resources: (you don’t get bonus Grief points for doing extra study – sorry!)
Megan Devine – Author of the book It's Ok That You're Not Ok: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand – has many great resources including a podcast. She has an episode where she talks about the stages of grief.
I also share more resources on my Facebook page. If you are grieving, I also have a private Facebook group, which you can join to gain support from other grievers, as well as helpful resources.
Thank you for reading. Want to share your thoughts? Either comment below or send me an email at mygrieftribe@gmail.com
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